Hi everyone
I haven’t been protecting my time very well in the last few weeks, letting the classic ‘busyness’ get in the way.
The lesson? Don’t wait for the right time to focus on your health, to start a new habit, to write, to do anything you’re putting off. The time just won’t just arrive for you. Make it.
Gather round 🔥
Confidence from another angle
“Authentic”
The word gives me the ‘ick’.
Put this aside for moment, I think each of us knows what ‘authentic’ feels individually. It’s taking off a heavy backpack and letting your shoulders and neck relax a little.
It’s sinking into deep comfy chair that perfectly shapes around you, as opposed to a hard, weirdly-shaped chair that makes you sit awkwardly.
Amid the low hum of social media fakery, constant distraction, disengagement from real life; it’s this thing, ‘authenticity’, that cuts through the noise and ultimately, makes people care.
I love improving my speaking at Toastmasters. If given a chance I’ll bang on about it. Why? Because everyone is stripped back. There’s no hiding. You just get found out if you try to impress, copy or imitate others.
You have to embrace your quirks and your individual-ness, otherwise you’ll tank.
What does this mean in practice?
I provide coaching to employees in my workplace and I often get the question "How can I feel more confident doing X?"
Most often it’s about doing something in front of others - presenting work, networking with new people, speaking or leading a project.
I totally get it. I’ve often felt insecure when speaking in front of people, thinking all sorts of things:
What if stumble and get stuck?
I hope people like me
Do I look confident enough?
Do I sound weird or awkward?
In my experience, confidence isn't (unfortunately) something you can just turn on and off with the right "mind trick."
There are short term, tactical exercises you can do to do:
Positive self talk
Breathing techniques (Square breathing – inhale, hold, exhale, hold – four words that mimic the four sides of a square)
Loose body movement like dancing or shaking your arms and legs around (to release endorphins)
But not too long ago I read something that made so much sense to me and provided a new perspective for those tricky moments. I wanted to share it. It’s from Brené Brown’s book, The Gifts of Imperfection:
"I try to make authenticity my number one goal when I go into a situation where I’m feeling vulnerable.
If authenticity is my goal and I keep it real, I never regret it.
If the goal is authenticity and they don’t like me, I’m okay. If the goal is to be liked and they don’t like me, I’m in trouble. I get going by making authenticity the priority."
This is about bringing forth confidence from a place you know, rather than trying to conjure it from a thin air.
If I go to a event where I don’t know anyone, and the goal is authenticity, it’s okay if I don’t click with anyone there and spend time staring at the bowl of crisps instead…
If I go into an appraisal at work and the goal is authenticity, I’ll be content if my manager doesn’t shower me with compliments. I don’t need them to know I’ve done my best.
If I present something and the goal is authenticity, I’ll be happy if I present in my own style and how I best connect to people, even if don’t get recognition I think I deserve.
As long as I come out feeling like I’ve been myself, it can be a success.
Moreover, there is an even greater likelihood I’ll connect meaningfully with people if authenticity is my goal.
It’s the idea of your ‘personal monopoly’. You want to be the only person that does what you do. It creates meaning.
So how does this relate to confidence?
Well confidence is about having faith that you have the ability to do something in a given situation. But no one has this feeling everywhere, all the time.
“I’m a musician, I’ve played in front of thousands of people. No fear whatsoever. I come here…. look, I can’t even keep my hand steady”
DJ Locksmith from Rudimental, when playing at the BMW PGA Championship golf event
Ultimately, aiming for authenticity brings up confidence up from deep inside, from the part that you know perfectly.
Your special blend of skills, interests, experiences, quirks and personality traits.
Aiming for authenticity brings that feeling of sinking into a big comfy chair that fits around you.
Aiming for authenticity is not a bad strategy at all 🙌
In fact, it will provide better, deeper, more meaningful connection to others and yourself.
Do you have any tricky upcoming events or situations?
How would your attitude towards them change if you set authenticity as the goal, rather than approval?
What magical connections could be made as a result?
Reconnect 💀 > 😄
(One tip for reconnecting to yourself and others)
The principles of a great conversation
Think about the last great conversation you had with someone - what made it great?
It probably had at least 1 of 4 things: curiosity, discovery, challenge and a gaining a deeper understanding of someone else.
But it may also be really rare. Because your tech exists to take you away from those moments and into the virtual world instead, where nuance, curiosity, discovery and challenge is harder to come by.
Great conversation has 3 common elements that make it ‘great’:
(from Emily Chamlee-Wright, President of the Institute for Humane Studies)
Humility
Enter a conversation with the humility that you have knowledge gaps to fill and another person can help fill those gaps.
Whether it’s a friend, an esteemed professor or a 10 year child. Each of us has a different vantage point to see the world, no one has the full ‘lock’ on truth.
Socrates said that wisdom is, above all, knowing what we don’t know.
Critical thinking (applied lightly)
Critical thinking is about identifying gaps in logic and reasoning. When you employ critical thinking in conversation you encourage depth and analytical engagement. Without critical thinking, a conversation wouldn’t be challenging.
“Strong opinions, weakly held”
Paul Saffo, technology forecaster and Stanford professor, on his approach to problem solving
But no one likes a nit-picker….
Sympathetic listening
Sympathetic listening is the art of understanding another’s viewpoint without judgement and setting aside the hunt for the slightest misstep.
Another person will feel heard and validated when you take the time to pay attention in this way. It’s crucial for building a deeper relationship with someone in your life.
👉 Look out for these traits in your next conversation and try applying them.
I hope you enjoyed this week’s Campfire.
See you next week
Joseph
Is toastmaster Birmingham your local? If so I’d love to join you next time!